


Demons Stole My Vibrator

by boffeecoffeebee



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-20
Updated: 2011-12-20
Packaged: 2017-10-27 14:33:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/296882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boffeecoffeebee/pseuds/boffeecoffeebee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean wakes up in a secret camping his ground, his vibrator in gone and Cas is being a little weird.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Demons Stole My Vibrator

**Author's Note:**

> CRACK FIC. Pure and utter crap. No plot or anything. I suppose you could call it CWP.

Dean Winchester woke up in a secret camping ground. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling abnormally displeased, Dean Winchester poked a dangerous oil-soaked rag, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he realized that his beloved vibrator  was missing!  Immediately he called his dark haired cousin of a 'friend', Castiel. Dean Winchester had known Castiel for (plus or minus) 200 years, the majority of which were curious ones.  Castiel was unique. He was clever though sometimes a little... detached. Dean Winchester called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   Castiel picked up to a very calm Dean Winchester. Castiel calmly assured him that most albino cats cringe before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually earnestly grimace *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Dean Winchester.  Why was Castiel trying to distract Dean Winchester?  Because he had snuck out from Dean Winchester's with the vibrator  only three days prior.  It was a sassy little vibrator ... how could he resist?

   It didn't take long before Dean Winchester got back to the subject at hand: his vibrator . Castiel yawned. Relunctantly, Castiel invited him over, assuring him they'd find the vibrator . Dean Winchester grabbed his George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Castiel realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the vibrator  and he had to do it fearlessly. He figured that if Dean Winchester took the deliciously practical 4-door, he had take at least eleven minutes before Dean Winchester would get there.  But if he took the Impala?  Then Castiel would be really screwed.

   Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Castiel was interrupted by seven stupid demons that were lured by his vibrator . Castiel cringed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling pleased, he thoughtfully reached for his potato and carefully backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard the Impala rolling up.  It was Dean Winchester.

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at McDonald's to pick up a 12-pack of gherkins, so he knew he was running late.  With a quick leap, Dean Winchester was out of the Impala and went charismatically jaunting toward Castiel's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Castiel was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed the vibrator  into a box of ripened peaches and then slid the box behind his canoe. Castiel was stunned but at least the vibrator  was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

   'Come in,' Castiel wildly purred.  With a skillful push, Dean Winchester opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid booze-sloshed jock in a deliciously practical 4-door,' he lied.  'It's fine,' Castiel assured him. Dean Winchester took a seat just perfectly far from where Castiel had hidden the vibrator . Castiel belched trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.  But Dean Winchester was distracted. Absolutely thrilled, Castiel noticed a abrasive look on Dean Winchester's face. Dean Winchester slowly opened his mouth to speak.

   '...What's that smell?'

   Castiel felt a stabbing pain in his stomach when Dean Winchester asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the vibrator  right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A funny-smelling look started to form on Dean Winchester's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my granddad's wolverines from when he used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Dean Winchester nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Castiel could react, Dean Winchester fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The vibrator  was plainly in view.

   Dean Winchester stared at Castiel for what what must've been five days. A few unsatisfying minutes later, Castiel groped exotically in Dean Winchester's direction, clearly desperate. Dean Winchester grabbed the vibrator  and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Castiel let out a exotic chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Dean Winchester,' he rebuked. Castiel always had been a little pestering, so Dean Winchester knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Castiel did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at him or something. As if it really mattered he gripped his vibrator  tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

   Castiel looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Dean Winchester. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Dean Winchester. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Castiel walked over to the window and looked down. Dean Winchester was gone.

Just yonder, Dean Winchester was struggling to make his way through the imaginery desert behind Castiel's place. Dean Winchester had severely hurt his love handle during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral demons suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the vibrator .  One by one they latched on to Dean Winchester.  Already weakened from his injury, Dean Winchester yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of demons running off with his vibrator .

About five hours later, Dean Winchester awoke, his double chin throbbing.  It was dark and Dean Winchester did not know where he was.  Deep in the mysterious haunted thicket, Dean Winchester was alarmingly lost. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he remembered that his vibrator  was taken by the demons. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life.  That's when, to his horror, a enormous demon emerged from the swamp.  It was the alpha demon. Dean Winchester opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the demon sunk its teeth into Dean Winchester's shin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Dean Winchester's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

   Less than three miles away, Castiel was entombed by anguish over the loss of the vibrator .  'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened dull pencil.  With a quick thrust, he buried it deeply into his armpit.  As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Dean Winchester... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him.  But he would die alone that day.  All that remained was the vibrator  that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise.  And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant demons, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.  Both men would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead.  So, no one lived forever after. 

FIN

**Author's Note:**

> Read and review? Hope you liked it!


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